I love, love, love high tea and I had been saving The Conservatory at The Hohenort Hotel for a special occasion. Not only because of the exquisite garden setting with views of the Constantia Valley but mainly because I had heard that the chef was...very accommodating when it came to dietary requirements and allergies ... which I was in dire need of since I have vegans, vegetarians and a coeliac in my family! Well, she went above and beyond my wildest expectations and created stands that had just as much variety and they felt just as special as everyone else. WOW, the food was sooooo amazing!!! Everything else - epic fail!!! You hear about great chefs going under and people saying: "but their food was so awesome, what happened?" The answer is simple - even though the food is obviously the most important part of a meal, it is the service that makes it or breaks it. So let's begin: I phoned and asked to speak to the head chef to let her know of some changes regarding the numbers of special meals. I was told that she wasn't there so I asked to speak to the chef on duty instead. I was told no but she reassured me that she would put it in the system as well as letting the kitchen know. Well, that didn't happen but I'm jumping the gun. When I made the booking I also let them know that my father was in a wheelchair. So we arrive ... go down the scary steep ramp ... only to be told by the hotel staff that in order to get to our table we would have to negotiate quite a few stairs so we should rather go around the back and then pointed to the left. To be fair, she did provide us with a porter so at least we didn't have to push my father up the now dauntingly steep looking ramp ourselves. The back way turned out to be via the service passageways which is not a problem but all the doors were bolted shut on one side and some of them were quite difficult to open. When we got to the table (on time) it hadn't been set yet and only a third of the chairs were in the shade. I found out who was serving us and introduced myself. I explained that there were going to be old people and children so pleeaaaase could he bring more umbrellas which he said he would. I also told him that I had pre-ordered the champagne that morning so that it would be ice cold and ready and waiting and that he should please bring it now. Half an hour later there was still no champagne or umbrellas ... only a whole lot of draculesque cowering from the sun. I saw a different waiter ambling up to the other end of the table and before I could even finish saying: "maybe we could ask him ..." he had taken hold of our umbrella and was rolling it at top speed towards a table of two at the water's edge. I went running after him and said to him that he couldn't just take our umbrella. We already had far too little shade and were in fact waiting for another umbrella to arrive. He told me not to worry - somebody would bring us an umbrella. To which I replied that one was not enough and that we would now need two. He flat out refused to give me my umbrella back and then turned his back on me and started talking to the ladies. When I told my family what had happened my brother and sister said that they realized that this was an upmarket establishment and they didn't want to embarrass me but that there was an unused umbrella around the corner and could they please fetch it? Obviously I said yes, so they manhandled it back to the table themselves. For the record - the waiter did in the distant future eventually bring the promised extra umbrella. Then our waiter arrived with the champagne ... hurray ... I could almost taste it. Instead he decided to ask the table whether they wanted sparkling or still water or whether he should just bring both? Several people called out that he should just bring jugs of water with lemon and no ice (I'll let you guess which way round it came later ... muuuuuch later) and right there his whole attitude changed ... which was quite silly. It's true that I had already paid the full amount (including the 10% service fee) upfront but I usually tip 15 - 20% for excellent service and would have added on extra ... so he missed out ... anyway, now that the water was free he obviously didn't rush off to place the order and turned his attention to the champagne instead. I asked him to please check with people first whether they wanted any since there were quite a few non-drinkers. Instead, he filled all the glasses and put one down in front of everyone. All the non-drinkers immediately passed theirs to me and so I went instantly from a single glass to a whole set! Next the waiter proceeded to tell the table how the high tea worked and he went to great lengths to explain that only two hot beverages were included per person and after that they would have to pay extra. I really wish that he would have checked with me first because I would have told him not to do that. Instead I'm now having to say to everyone: "no, no, have as much as you want of whatever you want". Sure, not thaaat embarrassing ... just completely unnecessary. Maybe he simply didn't remember who the host was ... at one point he was asking my mother about the service so she came to me to ask what she was supposed to do? (just in case you're wondering, her hair is grey and mine is red #justsaying ) At any rate, I don't know why he bothered with the speech at all ... judging by how long it took him to take the first round order and then eventually bring it, there was no way that we were going to get thirds anyway! First I asked him nicely to take the order, then I went on to pleading and lastly begging - third time was a charm. I mean, if everyone was drinking bubbles it wouldn't really matter how long the hot beverages took but there were several children and non-drinkers who were quite parched by then. Not me obviously, since I was "lucky" enough to have several glasses of warm bubbles in front of me! Alrighty now then, back to the food. Since high tea is served on tiers for two, I spent a lot of time working out a seating plan so that everybody sharing a special meal stand was also seated next to their partners. Don't laugh but I made little name cards so that everyone would be in the right places without having to play musical chairs. I even drew a picture of the table with position numbers and clearly showing where every stand should go just so that things would run smoothly. So imagine my surprise when the very first waiter out the door starts auctioning off the food: "right, whoooo's got the vegan?". This was also when I found out the hard way that the kitchen had not been informed of the changes ... so obviously the waiters didn't know where anything was supposed to go and they just started putting the food down anywhere ... everywhere except in front of me and my man that is. When everyone else was already starting on their sweet stands and our savoury plank still hadn't arrived he went inside to find out where ours was. The same mâitre d' that had apologized earlier on for the fact that they had dropped the ball (but did nothing to try and rectify it) now came outside to me, apologized again and then asked: "so do you still want one?" Well yes, obviously yes, we still hadn't had anything and we were starving. In the meantime my niece had her own little incident. The waiter that had auctioned off her vegan meal leaned in to place her plank and the little salad in a glass jar slid off onto the floor ... he didn't replace it ... probably because he didn't want to please explain that the reason the jar went flying was because he was holding the planks at the same angle as the deck of the titanic! When her plank was cleared she asked whether she could please still have that little salad since it looked so good and then they did bring it. Tantara ... when I finally got my food I was in seventh heaven! Sooooo good and thanks for my birthday plate with a treat ... it was beautifully written. Back to the bubbles ... for the second round, instead of topping up people's glasses the waiter poured a tray full on the service station and then went around putting a glass in front of everyone that was drinking bubbles, regardless of how much was left in their glass and again without asking! The three leftovers were just left to wilt in the heat ... my condolences to whoever got those! I don't know whether it is restaurant policy to replace a glass every time but if not, I pity the poor bartender that has to polish all those extra glasses. Also, it was all good and well while there were glasses on the station but when those ran out a lot of people didn't have glasses in front of them so now I couldn't top them up even if I wanted to ... from one extreme to the other! When they were replaced we all held onto our glasses a bit more tightly than was strictly necessary ... although we needn't have worried ... after that he did a disappearing act and only returned in time to open the last bottle. Needless to say, the water jugs were full of emptyness and without a slice of lemon in sight. Okay, so when the bill for the champagne finally arrived (no service fee added, unlike the food) there was NO PEN!!! Honestlyyyyyyy ... doesn't he actually even want a tip? All in all, the speed of the staff made snails look good! Except of course for the waiter that absconded with my umbrella ... he was very fast! Anyway, I refused to let anything spoil my special day but it was just so disappointing. The fact that it was the first time in my entire life that I had taken my whole family out for a meal or that it cost me two and a half month's worth of pension is besides the point ... I'm shedding a tear for the chef. I wish I could tell you not to go there ... EVER ... but the food is so scrummy. So my recommendation is: DO GO ... but download the menu in advance and send it to all your guests. Then write down their selections (don't forget about cooking degrees) on a paper beforehand. Give this to whomever seats you so that you can immediately get the ball rolling and then when the waiter arrives give him his copy in case he didn't get the other one. Also, bring your own wine and just pay the corkage regardless of how much it is. Don't worry, any embarrassment you might feel walking in the door with it will soon change to satisfaction as you sip on your fabulously chilled, instantly available wine while people that arrived half an hour before you sit watching you with their tongues hanging out!!! PS: Just remember to take with a corkscrew or you'll feel like a real plonker ...over and out.More